I sit next to the window looking at the empty block of buildings,
I seem to be lost in thought yet i also seem to be awake and breathing,
I wish i could stop.
The thoughts of my own ideas seem to be unwanted, pointless and worthless,
I just want to be ok,
but is it enough for me?
No.
Last night I dreamed of you,
You appeared unchanged, just how i remembered you,
With your sharp bright blue eyes and your glowing white appearance,
I felt a sense of belonging, comfort, longing, warmth,
This morning as i walked on the bridge i thought of this dream,
I realised I missed you and my heart agreed.
As i write this i seem wish i could lean on you for support,
Curl up into a ball for you to tell me everythings going to be ok,
To tell me that im just fine without you,
To tell me that its been 10 years and i should of moved on already,
To tell me that ive survived this far without giving up,
To tell me that ive done well and that i deserve to be happy,
But I can’t help but remember my past today,
Remembering how you made me feel,
Remembering what you represented in my life,
Remembering who i was before,
Remember how happy you made me.
No matter what year it is or how old i am,
You’ll still remain in my heart.
I never thought this would be it,
I thought with this steady job i would be fine,
I thought that money would solve all my fears and insecurities,
But it only made me worse, leaving me wanting more and more.
When is it enough?
When will i feel like myself again?
Who am i?
What am I ?
With all these questions unanswered i feel lost again.
Late at night we stroll into the dark,
Cold but warmed by our cosy winter coats,
Holding your hand makes me feel safe and secure,
The stars shine high in the sky, the moon curved and halved.
A slight wind makes the trees speak in the night,
Quiet it may be, with only our breath to guide us,
Footsteps synced together as we walk,
Our shadows merge together as if we are one,
Street lights appear to separate us in two,
Our late night walk comes to a end where we both go back to being one.
I knew it from the beginning it was going to be hard,
living in the world isn’t all fun and games,
I couldn’t bring myself to see it before and I can’t seem to pull myself to see anymore.
The lies and all the misfortune have wrapped this world in a tightly bond.
Can I breathe ?
Can I see?
Nevermind I will keep on living for you.
What do you have planned for me?
What route should I take next?
I am so confused and afraid,
Yet,I am so curious what I would find,
Into the darkness we go.
The wind seems to knock me down every step,
Are you testing me?
Do you want me to give up?
I lose hope easily and you know this,
Into the storm we go.
I am plunged into the sea,
The wave uncontrollably fast and wild,
Am I going to drown?
I feel overwhelmed,
What are you doing to me?
Into the deep dark sea we go.
I still miss you,
Even till this day my heart still longs for you,
My memory blurry and unforgettable,
Soon to be forgotten,
I hold on to something I feel in my heart,
It fades a little everyday.
I don’t want to let you go,
Everytime I try, you seem to appear before me,
And I fall back into your eyes,
And you fall back into my heart.
I use to pray to god to take my life away and he did just that. Without realising he took my life away as I had asked him to. I spent the most of life wondering why I had such a hard life. I had spent most of life asking why he was so cruel to me. When In reality I had asked him to take my life away, so much that my life was filled with endless anxieties and tears. I would pray to him and ask him to save me because I would regret my previous prayer. I would ask him to forgive me for my selfish thoughts.
Allow kindness,
Allow love,
Allow life,
Allow laugher,
Allow happiness,
Allow care,
Allow compassion,
Allow it all into your life because you are worth it.
Even when days you feel that you don’t,
Even when others don’t,
Even when it’s difficult to,
Even when you don’t know how,
Allow yourself to love,kindness,life,laughter,happiness,care,compassion.
Allow yourself to know you are worth it,
Even when your world is falling apart.
Embrace it with a warm welcome,
Embrace it with all you have because you have nothing to lose,
Begin with loving you.
This year I have decided to give myself a new start, I have begun the process of looking into options of volunteering somewhere I’m not sure what I want to do but I feel volunteering will give me an insight of possibilities that might be out there for me. So far I have a few options that maybe be suitable either volunteering in a art center or volunteering in a mental health service both I have interest in. I am in the process of choose which one i would like to do but I am so indecisive, both are equally rewarding and filled with amazing experiences.
I want to choose life for the first time,
I want to live rather than exist in the world,
I want to be alive rather than live in my own head,
I want to experience life for all that it is,
I want to embrace life as if I had never hated it,
I want to start living again,
I want to find myself,
I want to know what I can be, who I can be, where I can be,
I want to choose life as if I had never been hurt by it.
Somehow I still feel unable to breathe even with all this space,
The world can seem so big yet I still feel restricted and confined in one space.
Even with all the space in the world I still can’t feel able to breathe,
When will I be able to leave.
With the world so big my eyes can barely capture it all,
My perception of the world has been deluded from staring at the same walls,
My attention constantly being directed to something more and something new,
Everything in my mind is telling me its all untrue.
I couldn’t capture everything even if I tried,
I wish I wouldn’t lie,
I only wanted to open myself to the real world,
Instead of being trapped in what seemed like the netherworld.
.
Elan 